THE SEARCH

SEARCHING

Are you 'out there'
Or rather are you here?
And if you are so near
Why is it not such
That I'm feeling your touch?

My body, mind, heart, and soul yearn.
Horribleness is I do not know
For what, why, where, when, or who.
Which, oh which way to turn?

Maybe it is simply God I seek.
Certainly it is God's Will I desire.
First to be shown, known
Then as I become weak, meek,

Be given power so dearly
 Lacking. Strength to do whatever
Is found wanting
Yet daunting--

Therein lives both unknown and known.
Alone, thinking more clearly.

With one or the other,
Or another
Or one other
Someone yet else,
Focus of my whole life
Changes
Becomes obscure
No focus
Nor obligations.
This may be 
Epitome
Of my selfishness.

So why continue to beat on myself,
When already on the mat?
My own version of absolution?
Well, time only can tell
Surrounded by dreaded knell
And adagio ringing bell

In every puzzle
Few pieces missing
Sprinkled among parts of known
In pockets of yet unknown
Please let me be
One of us who see
You are not 'out there'
Rather you are here.
And I love you!

This is posted for One Shot

Poem: Carlo
Picture: "Soul Searching"
by Michael O at Deviant Art

A GIRL

HE tree has entered my hands,

The sap has ascended my arms,

The tree has grown in my breast-- 

  Downward,

The branches grow out of me, like arms.

 

Tree you are,

Moss you are,

You are violets with wind above them.

A child -- so high -- you are,

And all this is folly to the world. 

 

by Ezra Pound (1885-1972)

Now is the rest of my life

My second name ‘Benevento’ (something like "good wind") and the fact that I love cycling gave name to this blog.

Spent most  of my life settled nowhere. My father’s job obliged us for many years to live in so many different places…so, it was difficult to make friends  and then keep them… Brazil, Argentina, Sweden, Saudi Arabia… 

When I got old enough I met the one I felt was the love of my life in the Netherlands where I spent a few years…. Maybe the happiest years  of my life. Good house, good job… cycling everywhere. Playing my flute… But I lost both: my partner and my job… Been for four months at my parents house in Milano. Mamma feels so happy her youngest son is back for no matter how long. Having a handyman for this old house must be great to her.

I feel like leaving,  I feel I should stay. Papà is really old now. But apart from riding away as far as the lane takes me, I find I do not belong here any more. In fact I never did. Never had the time to. But, at the same time I know they need me and leaving them, to go abroad again makes me feel kind of guilty…
Am I getting old too? Am I foreseeing my own old age and realize I would not like to be left behind and alone either?

After all, nothing, nowhere is calling out for me…

Ok, while I take the final decision I’ve decided to start this blog, thank a friend  who suggested this could help… Hope it does!

Want to ride with me? Get on and let be ridden and blown with this blog-wind…

C.